Something feels amiss this year and to be honest, it often does. I'm very big on accepting ones present reality rather than stress out trying to create some perfect mental picture. But when it comes to Christmas, I have a more difficult time with this. I have children and of course I want them to have memories that they treasure into adulthood. So I've been reflecting on holidays past and trying to pinpoint what it is that makes some more memorable than others. I don't have an answer, but here are two of my personal favorites.
Chicago, 1992 (or maybe '93): The early days of my retail career so obviously I did not go home to be with family in Arkansas. I was young and made a decent income so I decided to treat myself. On Christmas Eve, after my store closed I changed into my "little black dress" and headed into the city with my orchestra seating ticket to see Les Miserables (my favorite). Afterword, I had hoped to attend a midnight mass (read: observe unnoticed from the very back) at a giant Catholic church on State Street, but it was standing room only and having never attended a mass of any kind before, I passed. Instead, I took a moonlight stroll down Michigan Avenue. I remember it as being incredibly quiet. . . and then it began to snow. Big, fat, fluffy snowflakes. It was just . . . . perfect. One of my best nights ever. Finally, I headed back home, put on my Sarah McClachlan CD (I know, not very Christmasy, but very chill, nonetheless) and sipped a glass of wine with my crackers and Edom cheese. I loved it and I reveled in it. The next day I went to a couple of friends homes that I had been invited to and had a good time, but it is always Christmas Eve of that year that I remember so fondly.
Lausanne, Switzerland, 1991: The halfway point of my DTS (Discipleship Training School) with YWAM (Youth With a Mission). My first Christmas without family. The school took a break so most of the Europeans had gone home, some took Americans with them and others just ventured out on their own. Only one of my 3 roommates remained behind with me. On Christmas Eve we, along with some of the others who had stayed behind, volunteered to help with a church or charity organization of some sort who were providing a big meal for the homeless. Holy cow, was that a miserable experience. God Bless the Swiss, but man, are they anal retentive. Seriously, a plumb line to make sure the tables are lined up? Oh my head!! It was so annoying that we just had to laugh, and laugh we did. But this is not the good part, it's just something I remembered as an afterthought and to be honest, I do smile because we all did have a good laugh over it. The thing I remember most, though, is exchanging gifts with Katie the next morning. I'm not sure, but I think we got each other the same - terribly extravagant - thing.....an individually sized box of Frosted Flakes. We were missionaries, we had 0 income and it was a huge treat. We put our massive duvets in the middle of our floor and ate our Christmas breakfast together. I don't remember any details of the rest of the day, just that it was all very "chill". (Chill is a big thing for me.) The staff did prepare a nice big meal for those of us still at the base and then we just kind of hung out. I loved it.
I'm not sure what it says about me that 2 of my favorite holiday memories do not involve any of my immediate family. And it doesn't really give me any solid direction on what kind of holiday memories with which I hope to send my children into adulthood. But like I said, I'm a fan of reality and it is what it is. Hmmmmm. . . . .
Monday, December 12, 2005
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Confessions of a Commitment-phobe
My husband and I met about a year and a half before we started dating. Then it was about another 2-3 years until we were actually married. I believe he would tell you that the whole process could have been completed much sooner. Yes, it was me dragging my feet along, unable to commit until I was ambushed with a proposal. Sometimes I can be such a guy. I've come a long way since then (7 years and 2 kids later), but my "commitment issues" are beginning to rear their heads again.
After a little "hiatus" from the organized church for about a year and a half, we came to Portland and decided we were ready to try this again. We visited lots of lovely little congregations that really had nothing wrong with them (save one), but nothing either of us were interested in really becoming a part of. However, over time, we have found ourselves returning to 2 churches in particular. And we (at least I) just really like them both and don't want to choose one over the other. So now I have gone from never wanting to set foot in a church again to being torn between 2 that are soooo different considering how much they actually have in common. Joshua Harris would be so disappointed in me, but yes, I am dating not one, but 2 churches and I'm just not ready to "commit" to either one.
There will probably be more on this later, but Lost is coming on.
Later
After a little "hiatus" from the organized church for about a year and a half, we came to Portland and decided we were ready to try this again. We visited lots of lovely little congregations that really had nothing wrong with them (save one), but nothing either of us were interested in really becoming a part of. However, over time, we have found ourselves returning to 2 churches in particular. And we (at least I) just really like them both and don't want to choose one over the other. So now I have gone from never wanting to set foot in a church again to being torn between 2 that are soooo different considering how much they actually have in common. Joshua Harris would be so disappointed in me, but yes, I am dating not one, but 2 churches and I'm just not ready to "commit" to either one.
There will probably be more on this later, but Lost is coming on.
Later
Monday, December 05, 2005
The story we find ourselves in. . .
One of Erik's classmates has offered to "adopt" our family for the holidays. My first impression upon hearing this was that someone was concerned that we don't have family here and wanted to offer us somewhere to go for the holidays. It was the furthest thing from my mind that someone would want to actually provide for us in the sense of gifts for the kids, food for a holiday meal and so forth. I mean, come on, that's not us. We have electricity. We have a place to live. Don't get me wrong. I'm not insulted at all and haven't even made a decision yet as to just how we should respond to this. I just don't know what to do with where we are in life right now. It feels so wrong to accept any help at all considering that we have a great apartment in such a nice area. There are so many others in much more dire circumstances. Yet the truth of our circumstances found me waiting to have my number called amongst the sea of people at the Department of Human Services because when the rubber hits the road our monthly expenses outweigh our monthly income. Even though Erik and I haven't discussed it, I think it's just understood that we're not getting gifts for one another this year. But the thing is, I don't feel sad at all about that. I don't necessarily want to be like this for every Christmas, but really, I'm good. And I think my kids will be okay as well, although Quincy has been talking more than ever before this year about what he is going to wish for for Christmas and I'm pretty sure we just can't follow through on it. So maybe we should let these people play Santa in a rather real and traditional sense of St. Nicholas.
Growing up, I never had any clue as to how difficult things were financially for my family. I knew that most of my friends had better stuff and more stuff than me, but it was really no big deal. I'm from the Ozarks. Lots of people struggled. But when I was about 16 someone anonymously left my family a trunk full of groceries. (I hadn't even noticed how bare the cabinets were since I primarily existed on cereal and Mac & Cheese.) Obviously, I never forgot that gift. I think sometimes we need to receive to understand better about giving.
I still don't know how I'm going to respond to this offer. I don't want to seize the opportunity to be "taken care of", but at the same time I believe it is a genuine act of kindness and I should be grateful. I do find myself, though, longing for the day that I can be on the other side of this scenario. Ugh. Gotta go chew on this.
Growing up, I never had any clue as to how difficult things were financially for my family. I knew that most of my friends had better stuff and more stuff than me, but it was really no big deal. I'm from the Ozarks. Lots of people struggled. But when I was about 16 someone anonymously left my family a trunk full of groceries. (I hadn't even noticed how bare the cabinets were since I primarily existed on cereal and Mac & Cheese.) Obviously, I never forgot that gift. I think sometimes we need to receive to understand better about giving.
I still don't know how I'm going to respond to this offer. I don't want to seize the opportunity to be "taken care of", but at the same time I believe it is a genuine act of kindness and I should be grateful. I do find myself, though, longing for the day that I can be on the other side of this scenario. Ugh. Gotta go chew on this.
What busy holidays?
Alrighty then, it looks like we have completed all of our "formal" holiday obligations in one fell swoop, and we're not even one full week into December. Last night was our work party and since we both work for the same place, that's it. Yea! And due to our current financial standing, Christmas shopping will consist probably of an afternoon trip to Target to snag a few things for the kids. My family in AR does white elephant so you really need to be present to participate, and my in-laws have informed us that their trip out here is kind of their gift to us and themselves. There is no room for a tree in our apartment and one full box of decorations is either buried in storage or never made it to OR, so decorating was a cinch. I will be sending out some Christmas cards, but I'm not too stressed about that.
I have to say, this really is quite nice. I looooove being at rest through the holidays rather than being consumed by them. I do still work retail so there is that madness to deal with, but at home, it's pretty much good. It's simple. I hate being over planned and completely scheduled. I'm too "type B" for that. And I have nothing in me that needs to conjure up some picture perfect holiday scene for my kids. I prefer instead to operate in reality and we are hardly picture perfect. I don't necessarily want all of our Christmases to be this "tight", but I do hope we are able to keep the simplicity with us. For me, it is so much more fun this way.
I have to say, this really is quite nice. I looooove being at rest through the holidays rather than being consumed by them. I do still work retail so there is that madness to deal with, but at home, it's pretty much good. It's simple. I hate being over planned and completely scheduled. I'm too "type B" for that. And I have nothing in me that needs to conjure up some picture perfect holiday scene for my kids. I prefer instead to operate in reality and we are hardly picture perfect. I don't necessarily want all of our Christmases to be this "tight", but I do hope we are able to keep the simplicity with us. For me, it is so much more fun this way.
Thursday, December 01, 2005
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