Cautiously optimistic

Tomorrow is payday.  It comes around every other Friday, like a good Swiss watch, however, this one in particular has me a bit anxious. 

You see, near the end of February Erik was offered the soon-to-be-available full time Chaplain position at the hospital.  We thought this was going to happen back in August, so it's been, I guess, what you could call  an exercise in patience and trust as we have been hanging on month to month trying desperately to live within our meager budget.  We have been occasionally successful, but more often not.  

When Erik shared the news with me about said job offer, I of course asked what this would mean for his paycheck.  His response? 

'Well, Sister Anne is "pretty sure" that they will now help cover part of the insurance premiums and I will be guaranteed 40 hours per week.'  

Will you be salaried? 

 'I don't think so.'  

Will you get an increase in your hourly pay?  

'I doubt it'.  

*sigh*

I am so happy that he has finally gotten this promotion.  Truly.  I just wish he had gotten a bit more detail on what that would actually look like for us.  My husband is not really a details guy so I guess I shouldn't really be surprised.  

I, however, am a planner.  We are quite literally budgeted each month down to the penny.  So here we are facing a new month and I know that there will be some more money, but I have no idea just how much.  As can be expected, my mind has been filled with what this could potentially mean for our monthly budget.  From the less significant - "ooo, maybe we can increase the clothing and entertainment budgets!" to the things that actually matter - "is it possible that we could pay down our debt faster and perhaps even have a place of our own again?".  I try not to think to much about it and to NOT make plans for an amount of which I am not certain.  

Oh, but the waiting.  The anticipation.  The hope.  Always, the hope.

Until tomorrow...

I Sigh Alot

Fact:  I have a desire inside of me to tend to this blog and maybe even grow it into something that matters.

Fact:  I am not at a loss for things to say and even currently have 5 drafts waiting to be completed.

Fact:  I no longer work outside the home and therefore am not at a loss for time to complete said posts.

Fact:  I am, however, at a complete loss as to why I don't find the time and do what my soul wants to do.

Fact:  For all of these reasons listed, I find that I sigh a lot these days.

Have you been to that place where you either have something you want to do, something you need to do, or even something you know you should do, yet you continually hit the brakes?  For no apparent reason?  Why do we do that?!

*Sigh*

I believe there are a few reasons I do it.

One is that I have a secret desire inside for people to like me.  Yes, I blog with no real guidelines, no set topics or direction, no real intent other than to just air out my own thoughts and opinions.  But truth be told, I want people to find me and I want them to like me.  I want them to smile, or relate, or connect.  I don't advertise or even invite anyone personally to read, but yet I hope they do.

*Sigh*

Along those same lines, I also hesitate to be completely honest.  I say that I am, but really, I know when I'm holding back for fear it might offend someone or worse yet, cause them to think less of me.  Always turning it back around to myself.  Even in negativity, I like to put me first.  Kind of pathetic, isn't it?

*Sigh*

Finally, I'm not a writer.  Never have been.   Never aspired to be.  I just like to talk (about myself) and figure that with a blog I gain some sort of quasi captive audience.  But see, I read a lot of blogs as well, so when I sit down to put fingers to keyboard everything that comes out is utterly inadequate.  Which is how I feel about a lot of things in my life as I try to accept that I am in the middle of it, and what have I got to show for it?

Ugh.  *Sigh*

So I will try again.  I still have no theme or real plan or direction, but my intent is to at least write and then maybe see if something reveals itself.  God, help me.

*Sigh*