Isn't there some little saying about how man makes his plans and God laughs?
Quincy's last day of school is this Friday and up until just a couple of months ago I had no doubt that at this point in time we would be packing up boxes and preparing for our semi cross country move to wherever it would be that Erik would be completing his doctorate, perhaps even with an extended visit with my family in Arkansas (because of course all of our financial woes would be over).
This is where you would cue the laughter.
I can say that now. Back in April we weren't taking it so lightly. Three schools, three states, three rejections. All the momentum we had going over the last 3 years came to a screeching halt as we struggled to just accept this new reality. For a very short time we danced with the idea of pursuing my career for awhile which included a potential move to Anchorage, AK. We realized in time, though, that would have been an impulsive move and would not alleviate any of our current stresses at all and in fact would likely add to any current depression what with an even
darker winter than what we have here. In all honesty, my selfish hope was that this next step in our life would actually be a chance for me to step out of the work world at least for a while. My less selfish hope was that my husband would be one step closer to that niche where he can get paid for all the readin' and writin', and discussin' that he likes to spend his time on anyway. He loves his children, really he does, but truly he is not wired for the whole 'stay at home Dad' thing. I, on the other hand, would love to give it a shot but instead I am the one with the full time job. That's why I think we both took this so hard. Aside from the blow to Erik's confidence, I know that we both feel stuck in these roles/positions we would gladly trade out with one another and right now it's hard to see any way to make that happen. It is also really lousy to see someone you love so dearly and are so proud of and have every confidence in get knocked down like that when you have absolutely no ability to do anything to change it.
On the upside, we got the news somewhere in the midst of Lent so for me the continuing journey of our conversion to Orthodoxy brought me this window of joy and contentment during a very down time. If nothing else I can see staying here being worthwhile simply because of the new start we have had at St. Nicholas. We are by no means strangers in the congregation, but after being baptized and chrismated it was like all of our existing relationships went to a deeper level and a variety of new ones began. We have felt comfortable there all along, but all of sudden I now knew that we belonged. It would have been terribly difficult to leave so soon after.
So instead of moving to another state, we are instead moving to another apartment. It's not a big change, though -- same complex, even the same floorplan only the new one has a small loft area above the kitchen/dining room area. More important than additional space was a place where Q & A could stomp their feet freely. It bugs me a little that we are unable to offer our kids a yard to play in, but for now this will have to do.
I can't speak for Erik, but I know that I have now accepted this latest turn in our road. Not the route I had been planning on, but all I can really do at this point is trust that God does have our best interest at heart and He is somehow in control.
When He's done laughing, of course.
