It's been one of "those" years. You know, the one where Christmas just doesn't feeeel like Christmas. Yeah, the weather is ridiculously mild, but that's not it. It's bigger than that. I'm not depressed, I'm not angry, I'm not overwhelmed. I haven't felt that it's coming up or passing by too fast, but I'm also not eager to just get through it. Recently at a women's group I attend we were asked to describe in one word how we felt about the approaching holiday. Mine came to me quite readily. Ambivalent. At the time, I thought I was saying that I didn't really have any strong feelings one way or the other, that I wasn't stressed out and would just take the holiday as it came. It was only as I began typing this out that I actually looked up the definition of the word. Huh. How strange to discover that it actually articulates my feelings more accurately than I even intended.
Ambivalent: (adjective) 1. having ”mixed feelings about someone or something; being unable to choose between two (usually opposing) courses ofaction: The whole family was ambivalent about the move to thesuburbs. She is regarded as a morally ambivalent character inthe play.
2. Psychology . of or pertaining to the coexistence within an individual of positive and negative feelings toward the sameperson, object, or action, simultaneously drawing him or her in opposite directions.
Case(s) in point - I loathe shopping
- I keep thinking of things I want to buy for my kids
I want to make giving a fun, anticipated activity for my kids so I always plan a special day to take each of them to get their own Christmas shopping done.
- The 2 oldest ones take for-EVER making decisions, and it takes all of my energy just to maintain the facade that I don't loathe shopping.
- Every year I resent Santa a little more
- Every year Santa keeps delivering gifts
- I want my kids to embrace the quiet anticipation of Advent
- I want them to have magical memories of all the fun, fun, fun
- I want to give simple gifts
- I want to not give crap that is broken by the end of the week
- I don't want to overspend
- I desperately wish I had more to spend
- I despise the raging consumerism
- I hate how hard I have to think and work and search to stay within my budget
- I want a peaceful, warm, comforting atmosphere in my home
- I lose my temper on a regular basis
- I want to ditch virtually all of the typical holiday activities
- I would miss much of the typical holiday activities, never mind that my family would likely disown me.
I know lots of people (we all do) talking about how they want to simplify Christmas. "Oh, we just want to keep the holidays simple so we can focus on the little baby Jesus." While we unwrap alll these presents ... and play with all of our new toys and gadgets... and plan for a perfect family gathering to the point of psychosis.
I grew up a Christmas fanatic. I was the one hauling out the decorations. I was the one trying to convince my folks we could keep a live tree from Thanksgiving to Christmas. I loved the big shopping excursions, and I could never, EVER get enough Christmas music. But something has changed and I'm still not exactly sure what it is. Is it because I'm older? Poorer? Tired?
Or is it possible that I'm wiser. The more I think about it, I really believe this should be a quiet and reverent holiday. Especially Advent. The anticipation of Christ's arrival on earth as one of us should be hoped for in hushed tones, not in the noise of commercials and cartoons and shopping malls. But alas, this is a change made much easier as an individual and NOT as a mother of 3 small people and wife to a husband who doesn't think so much on such things.
So I sigh, do what I can to re-direct our focus, lose my temper when it doesn't matter to everyone as much as me, and then, with regret, cross myself and say a Jesus Prayer, sigh again and start over.
And now it is Christmas Eve. I did manage to utilize an Advent calendar every day for the first time ever. I did not manage to have to the quiet family time each evening as I had hoped. I did complete all of our readings for our first ever Jesse Tree. Did not get to read all of the books that I wanted to with the kids. We did do more crafts and baking together than in the past. We did not volunteer to do anything this year. We did make a purchase from Mercy Corps. My kids still don't really 'get' it, yet.
So, I think we're making progress, slow as it may be. Here's to next year and the hope that my one word description will be closer to content.
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