Square peg

Do we ever really outgrow that nagging need to fit in? Here I am, solidly into my 30's and still hoping that people will like me. I don't need everyone to like me, just the cool kids. How pathetic is that.
When I started visiting churches here in the Portland area, I was not looking for a home. Quite frankly, I just wanted to see if there were any churches out there that didn't give me the heebie-jeebies. And after a number of uncomfortable - and one downright horrible - experiences, I found a really great place - Evergreen - that really was as close as I've ever seen to what we were trying to do with Sanctuary back in happier times. (Maybe not happier, but at least easier.) I eavesdropped on the forum for hours on end, and when I finally visited the people actually lived up to everything their web site said they were. They were kind, genuine, witty, smart, lovely, gracious people. I stopped visiting other churches (outside of St. Nick) and have become fairly regular there. But here's the thing. After about 9 months of attending off and on, having some folks over for dinner, attending some community events, participating a little on the forum, I just don't fit. But I really waaaaant to fit. They're all really cool people. It seems like we have things in common. But I just get this vibe that no one wants to really know me. Although, I will readily admit that I very well may give off a vibe that I don't want to be known. For some reason, I have a hard time making eye contact when I'm there, and my conversations are soooo strained. I am totally accepted there. But something is still amiss. With me, that is, not with them. It's a great place. Truly. In fact, if I meet people who are looking for a church, it's the first place I would recommend. It's just that it's like the really cute guy, who totally gets your jokes and likes to hang out with you, but there's no way it's going to be anything more. Sort of. Maybe not.
What I'm starting to wonder, though is that maybe I'm just not supposed to fit.